My Musings

I’m really hoping that by this time next week, I can say that I’m ready to follow my schedule as closely as I can.

This week there will be a bit of tweeking here and there (which is fine, that’s the way it ought to be anyway), but now I’m back on track with commuting to work by bike and I plan on following my routines very closely..

I should have gotten up for work earlier today. There would have been a couple of things on my list that I should have been able to knock out this morning.

It’s not a big deal, as it was my first commute to work by bike from my new apartment (oh and what a breeze it is compared to what I used to do!).., but I do wish to follow my routines as they were designed.. I know it will help me improve greatly.

The biggest thing right now is to calm my obsessive mind at the moment, that wants everything perfect right this second.. I have to remind myself that it happens in steps.. :)

I just love my new place! I love the location so much.. Friday night, the bo and I went to my favorite Thai Food Restaurant, which is a mere 4 blocks away.. we walked hand in hand..

Saturday, we walked the other way to Zupan’s market and picked up a few things to make breakfast with.. the stroll was loads of fun.. got to experience the neighborhood in a different way.

Completed Goals:

knit or crochet a blanket ~ Finally completed my blanket! Perfect timing for my new apartment.

1. schedule my life and follow that schedule ~ I just moved into my new place, so my schedule is a little wonky right now, but I’m going to be making every effort to get on track and build and adhere to my routines.

2. Complete four “things” a month ~ I did a great job of finishing all of my January things. I even felt a little overwhelmed by them, but I did it.

3. Create a budget, and stick with it ~ Trust me, I feel the need to sit down and really map this out. Now that the move has taken place, I can focus my efforts in a whole other direction.

4. Save money ~ Boy o boy does this feel difficult to do at the moment. But this year, I plan to put my mind to it.

5. Bring my own bags to the supermarket ~ No progress yet.

6. have lots of fresh flowers, fruit and live plants in the house at all times ~ As money flow picks up and I get better with my budget, I’ll know when I can do this and how much I can do this.

7. Make a living with my creativity ~ So ready to make this happen this year.

8. get a brazilian bikini wax ~ Eventually this year.

9. recycle everything ~ Another integrated goal into so many other goals.. no updates yet.

10. make my business successful ~ Big plans to focus on this whole realm this year.

11. build a reputation based on my work ~ Tied in with all related goals. Will be focusing on this more soon.

12. Become Financially Independent ~ No time super soon, but working on it.

13. explore my city ~ This will be happening a lot more now.

14. make more effort to make friends ~ This isn’t at the top of my list right now, but as life starts embarking on a new direction, I will probably wind up with a different state of mind and be in new situations that will encourage me to reach out more.. and probably encounter people that will make excellent friends.

15. have conversations late into the night with fascinating people ~ I think this will happen. :)

16. make a wish list ~ I’m pretty much updating this monthly or as something comes up in my mind.

17. design my wedding ring ~ It’s kind of in the back of my mind.

18. visit the ocean once a month ~ Hopefully there will be a weekend this month that this can happen…

19. Find $100 in change ~ NEW GOAL! Seems fun! I have a money counter so I will probably start gathering change and puting it in one place, and as I think I have enough of one kind of coin, I will put it in the money sorter/counter.

20. Start a journal documenting my favorite quotes from books, songs, films, friends, etc. ~ Eventually!

21. Find that perfect town to live in/by and move there ~ Who knows, the Pacific Northwest may just wind up being home after all..

22. buy my own house ~ Hopefully in 3-5 years.. I’d really like to be able to get a condo or something and maybe eventually rent it out.. hmm..

23. have my own garden ~ Not any time soon..

24. Discover my Heritage ~ Again, for another time.

25. age gracefully ~ Some days are better than others. lol

26. Experience a haunting! ~ NEW GOAL! ~ I saw this goal as I was perusing 43things and decided I too, would love to experience a haunting at some point.

27. visit New Zealand ~ NEW GOAL! ~ I keep mentioning and talking about New Zealand in conversations. I definitely want to make it a travel destination at some point. :)

28. Review Goals Bi-Weekly ~ Here I Am!

29. Set-up Google Ads on my Livejournal ~ NEW GOAL! ~ This really ought to be a here and gone goal as soon as I have some time to really focus on getting it set up. Just seems to make sense to have it established on my LJ.

..the new Los Gorditos sit-in restaurant.. it’s good! It’s on 12th and Division.

They have really tasty mexican food and an entire vegan menu! I had a delicisou Tofu Bowl. They really know how to cook tofu, especially in a fajita style with the peppers and onions…

I have enjoyed their food from their outdoor cart, but now it’s nice to be able to have a seat at a table indoors and enjoy a meal on a plate.

.. more exploring to come..

I’m actually finished with the crochet portion of the blanket. Now I just have to weave and sew all my little trailing tails from all the color switching I have done.. Yay!

Sometime last night I started fantasizing about the orchids from Trader Joes.. I’m definitely getting some of those for the new place..

I have a little evergreen tree (as in a baby baby that is about 5 or 6 inches tall), that will live there.. and a plant from the current place that will live there.

The fresh fruit will be easy to keep up with, and really fun to have around at all times.

The fresh flowers.. will probably be purchased at the store where I get my employee discount.. I have a nice vase for those to stay in.. :) fun fun!

1. Set-up appointment for haircut

2. Revise and improve my “life schedule”, setting up new timelines, tasks, including a bi-weekly meal menu.

3. Create my new living situation budget.

4. Go shoe shopping.

1. Finish Blanket <—SOOO close to the finish line!!

2. Notify apartment management of move out date.

3. Finish the letter I will open and read in 5 years.

4. Review daily, weekly and monthly schedules.

~ The rest of the Cowboy Bebop Seasons
~ A paper press
~ Eye and lip make-up
~ Choker and necklace
~ Rings
~ Make-up Organizer
~ Shoes

Life last year was just crazy.. and chapters kept on a changing.. and sometimes I just did not have the money to invest in expensive oil.. Flax is expensive.. But that’s because it’s so good.

Well, this year, I’m going to continue to take it every day.. I will pick it back up, once life has settled and I can integrate it into my grocery budget.

I had a lot of good intentions in 2009, to visit the ocean. I think it’s healthy to go to the ocean often. I would like to do it once a month.. I wanted to do it last year but too many things stifled me.

I really believe this can happen this year. It may not be feasable right away, but I think at some point this year, it will be possible to visit once a month. :) It would be a lot of fun, and very inspiring, to take one weekend day out of the month to go to the coast and maybe check out a coastal Saturday market or art show with C.

1. Call about available apartments for March

2. Create move-in checklist

3. Create my new living situation budget.

4. Go shoe shopping.

The other day, C and I went to my favorite cafe in Portland, the Jam. While we were outside, waiting for a table, we were approached by an odd woman who was hunched over and had layers of clothes on and a pitiful look on her face.

She sort of mumbled a set of words together that didn’t make a lot of sense, but the jist of what she was saying was that the owner was mean for asking her to leave the cafe.

She had some cart and had the appearance of possibly being homeless.. but here’s the extra interesting part to the story.

C and I were sitting at our table and I was facing the window and saw the woman on the other side of the street. Suddenly she whips out a cellphone and checks something on it…. yeah folks, a cell phone.. Hmm!

Then I studied her garb and cart a little more and realized how clean everything actually looked. I saw her approach someone else, to no avail, and eventually she headed for the bus stop. That’s when I saw her whip out this rather nice looking big weather-proof coat.

She was obviously acting.. and I can’t say she’s that good.. But I can definitely say, she stuck another notch in the weird o meter!

December was a fantasic month and a wonderful way to end 2009. The year started out rather vague and dim. In fact, at the beginning of the year, I remember writing a rampage e-mail to C when he was still living in VA and I ranted and raved about all that bothered me.

But at the end of the year, it was like a complete 180. December wound up being a bit of a surprise. It was a month where C and I just decided that he would not go back to TL when the weekend was over, but instead, he would just stay. We wound up having a super fun December together.

There was a work Christmas party on one Friday night, which was the beginning of C’s visit. We went to some area of Vancouver WA that reminded me of Virginia. There was a live interactive play and I wound dancing with the big boss. It was silly and fun.

C and I had a blast that weekend together, and it only got better as he stayed with me throughout the week. Having him around was a big boost to my morale.

Then we went to TL for one of the weekends, which wound up being an extended weekend because I had a couple of days off to use up for the year. We made paper together and I wound up brainstorming a lot with the type of creative expression I was going for with the business. It was so fun and productive.

Then we came back to Portland where I worked for one day, on Wednesday, just to kind of have an anchor day, and then it was off to see my Dad for Christmas.

That was a really fun time. My dad wound up getting me an Xbox 360 and I remember one evening in particular being extremely fun. My dad, my best bud, her hubby and step-son and C and I all gathered together and watch the Marx Brothers, had icecream floats and just had an all around great time together.

I’m proud to say that by the final week of December, I was still dilligently working out and still fitting into my size of clothes that I was in at 19 and 21. It was a great feeling knowing that even with a little naughty eating over the Christmas holiday time, I was doing very well and even now, I’m still sticking to my 3-4 days of working out a week.

And that was December and the end of 2009!

November was a flash in the pan month. It was just one of those months that flew by.

I was slammed with stuff at work and at the same time, finding it very difficult to focus on my work. It was a frustrating mode to be in. I just remember coming to work and not being able to pay any attention to what was in front of me. I knew I needed to get a grip, but I just didn’t know how to break out of the rut.

I remember C coming to pick me up one weekend, and it was a slightly rigid weekend that we had together. He was in a mood and very frustrated with his living situation in the middle of almost nowhere with no job and no way to really get around.

We felt friction and tension, but the cool thing, was that during the weekend, we made a great breakthrough and just talked about all sorts of things. We went over the tension and the reasons why we were both feeling frazzed. Then we talked late into the night about all sorts of things.

What felt like a hop and skip later, was a nice 4 days of no work for the Thanksgiving holiday. I again spent it at C’s place. It was a lot of fun and my dad came up later into the weekend.

November was really just settling into this whole new phase of life, and working through the current frustrations of my situation and C’s situation.

October was an amazing month for me. It really was a “dream come true” kind of month… a pivitol month.. October has always been my favorite month. Some of it has to do with it being the month of my birthday, but aside from that, I’ve always loved everything about October… The fact that it’s such an interesting weather month, and it just has the most wonderful energy about it.

This particular October was phenominal.. probably one of the best I’ve had so far in my 31 years.

Just about a week into October I heard words from C’s mouth that I didn’t think I’d ever hear but have dreamt of hearing. The words just slipped out over the most simple thing… late at night as we were grabbing luggage to bring into my dad’s place. He said, “I love you!”.. It was after I had in a way, read his mind and already did something that he was about to request, and it kind of tickled him and it was like a reflex for him to say those words.

I didn’t know what to say or do, because I wasn’t sure if that was an “oops” kind of thing.. but I smirked a little and we mosied into my dad’s place.

We had a really fun weekend.. after driving about 5 hours from Portland to my dad’s town. It was a blast hanging out with him and then the next day visiting with one of my best friends. I remember walking around the block with her, in the little bit of chill of night, and talking to her about my hunches and hopes with C. All the while, he was inside, showing her step-sons how to draw. It was a great moment that I’ll always remember.

Later that night, C and I were in my room and he just kind of spilled over with telling me that he realized that when he said I love you, that he really meant it.

I was in a bit of shock. It was beautifully shocking to experience the walls of confusion, insecurity and silence blow apart as his heart poured out to me. I just absorbed every word and savored it all.

I remember us driving back to Portland and remember having a bit of a small breakdown with the pressures of work and the awkward living situation with my ex. It was like everything was wrong and weird and I did something crazy and ran to his village/town with him. It was such a surreal experience and we were excited. I felt a little bad, but also really happy to just seize an opportunity to break free of my ruts and chains and just live a little.

I called in sick for two days and C and I had his folks’ place to ourselves. We had a most wonderful time together, stashed back deep into the woods alone. During the stay, we were laughing together so much that we invented characters for ourselves. We named ourselves “The Chuckles” and even pretended to be married, using our middle names as the married couple. It was good fun.

The next weekend was the big bash I had planned for him. It was his birthday and I wanted to go all out for him. In my mind though, I was still filled with uncertainty about where this was going with him, and so, I honestly had no plans or expectations for anything to happen with him after his birthday was over.

I rented a swank hotel room in the heart of downtown Portland. I remember him coming to town with his luggage and I had mine. We took a bus to downtown. I remember him seeming slightly nervous but excited about not knowing what was going to happen. He had no idea about the weekend plans.

When we arrived downtown, we walked along the sidewalk as I was locating the hotel entrance. It was hilariously fun when I stopped in front of this ritzy hotel front and headed in. C’s face was kind of in shock as he shook is head and said, “Amy Amy Amy…what have you done..?”

The room was actually a suite and it was lovely. We had a big bed and some swanky bath robes. It was so much fun!

Later that night we made love and in the middle of it he looked at me and asked, “You’re not just with me for sex, right?”.. I stopped and looked at him kind of baffled.. In a way, inside, my heart was guarded and I was happy just to be experiencing him that way finally, but the truth was, no it wasn’t just about sex. He was my love, the one man on this earth that I wanted. I smiled at him and laughed a little and assured him that in no way was I just using him.

That’s when things got really shocking.. I remember jokingly saying something after that about the fact that I was only not using him because it was his birthday (or something like that), and he got up and left the room.. I halfway thought I had offended him, but then he came back into bed and looked at me totally differently..

Then he said, “So, what do you think about getting married?”.. I remember feeling stunned and looking at him.. rather speechless… then I saw a quick flicker of something silver hiding in his hand behind a pillow. My heart started racing and then he open his hand and I saw twin silver rings.. one larger than the other. “Will you marry me?”

AHHHH!!! I don’t fully remember all that I said, but I remember saying, “Only to you.” And I accepted and for the rest of our fun filled birthday bash weekend, we were on a whole different level.

Later in the month was my own birthday, in which C and I took another journey down to see my Dad. That was a fun weekend filled with shopping and friends and good times.

Halloween weekend was bizarre and dramatic. It wound up being a heavy tense weekend with my ex and C in the same apartment. I finally put my foot down and said it was ok for C to stay with me for the Halloween weekend. We had fun exploring Portland on foot and bar hopping. Good conversation and a lot of fun walking together.

The blowout argument clash was tense, but it was an interesting experience that showed everyone involved our true colors and secured my “final word” and status at the apartment. I know that it laid the groundwork for C to finally be able to live there later on.

And that was a summary of the exciting month of October!